Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I hate not knowing. I hate not knowing how she feels. I hate not knowing exactly what is going on with Marty, what is happening to her body. It is clearly, for me, the worst part of this whole thing.

Marty's white count is elevated, even higher than her normal. She's on an antibiotic we started last night. We have talked to Great and Wise and he thinks a rather angry looking cyst is the reason for the infection, he's probably right, we will see him tomorrow. I still hate not knowing for sure.

It makes me anxious and I don't do anxious very well. Being out of control is compounded by anxious, anxious is physically uncomfortable, anxious is emotionally and psychologically uncomfortable, anxious makes me grouchier than normal and I hate that too. I know, just breathe, right?

Marty's blood pressure and oxygen are good. Actually, all of the indicators, except WBC are good, I just feel uncomfortable about how she "seems” because I don't understand it, because she seems a bit abnormal. Maybe I'm just being good old hyper vigilant Larry, which would be great, that would be me having anxiety over nothing and it can just disappear as quickly as it came. The problem is we won't know for a while, so I get to be worried, anxious and grouchy all at the same time, so, sorry to everyone that gets to come in contact with me.

I hate not knowing and not knowing seems to be part of our new normal

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