What I Learn from Marty

More news from the colon front, or shoud we say colon back.  Bet you didn't think this would be something you would ever be reading.  Frankly, I didn't ever think I would be sharing colon news.

Actually, it's just a brief story.  I did have a colonoscopy.  If you are over 50, it's a rite of passage and you too should know the joys of the "prep". 

The only thing I can really remember is the doctor saying let's try a test dose of this versed.  The next thing I know daughter Erin and some really nice nurse are trying to get me to stay awake so I can go home.  I don't remember anything, which is great because this kind of experience is high on my list of things unremembered.  Also unremembered that day, how did I get dressed and get home.  Oh well, not to worry.

I got the results back yesterday and everything is just dandy.  I passed this tidbit on to my bride and grumbled slightly because they said I needed to come back in three years, not five.  My wonderful loving wife, who I have supported and cared for said, "Don't worry, you might not even be alive in three years."

Gee thanks darling  what a nice way to end a pleasant discourse on the health of the lower bowel.  But, she's right, I just hope she's not a prophet.

Lubbock Texas circa August 1976 -- long ago and far away.

Larry, newly married, young, innocent in the ways of virtually everything, anticipating his new bride's first birthday as man and wife: "Hey, Marty, what do you want for your birthday?"

Marty, newly married, already versed in the art of emotional complications and complexities looking for her new husband to prove his love: "Oh, nothing".

My first mistake and one of my first lessons in loving the opposite sex. Of course I didn't get her anything for her 22nd birthday, that's what she said......right???

We did manage to get past this major faux pas on my part, it wasn't my first and certainly wasn't my last. I'm still looking for my last mistake.

My instincts told me better, my Momma taught me better, but I listened to my man side, you know, the whole "boys are from Jupiter to get more stupider" part of my brain that said to me, "hey, cool, okay, no problem, that's easy enough."

It's a classic case of the differences between Marty and I, and I think men and women in general. I asked what I thought was a simple question. I got a much more nuanced answer than a young man could understand. I hadn't been trained.

I can't tell you how many times Marty and I ended or entered one of our "discussions" with her saying. "I know this is what you really meant and I know this is what you really feel". And me replying, "Marty, really, I'm not that deep." Nuance is not part of most men's psychological make-up. We have to learn emotional subtleties; we have to be educated in nuance.

Look at emotions like a huge swimming pool, maybe even one of those really awful wave pools at a water park. There's the deep end and there's the shallow end. There are smooth times when the water is like glass and rough times when waves are higher than you can see. See, just like real emotions.

Where are the women? In the deep end of course, experiencing the environment, experiencing the emotions, riding the waves up and down and occasionally asking their chromosomal partner to meet them in the deep water of life.

The men, we are standing tall in the shallow end. Sometimes we will get on our back and do the back stroke in the shallow end and maybe, maybe we might even get to where the water is up to our necks, but we always want to be able to stand up with our head out of the water. Treading water (dealing with our emotions or the subtitles of life) is exhausting.

None of this should be construed to mean women and men are that simple. None of us are. We are all different. We all are standing or swimming in different places in the pool, it's a big pool. We all need to be in different places in the pool, but we all need to test the deep waters sometimes.  Marty, bless her heart, dragged me to a lot of different spots in the pool; turns out I can tread water.

All good streaks eventually end. Even the greats like Pete Rose, Bobby Jones, (what happened to Tiger Woods), John Wooden, Sarah Palin (whew) see their string of victories come to an end. We did too. Marty went seven weeks without antibiotics or any infections, the longest she has gone without some kind of medical issue for about four years. Yesterday the streak was broken and the Great and Wise diagnosed a urinary tract infection.


Marty's caregivers are actually the ones that diagnosed the issue. They know Marty, they know what is normal. They recognize changes in energy, smells, sights, the whole gamut. Renae called it on Monday evening and said we needed to see the good doctor. We actually had an appointment with Marty's Pulmonary doctor, Dr. Rosario, Great and Wise Jr., on Tuesday. (By the way, Marty promised to find Great and Wise Jr. a husband so if you know anyone, about 30 and reasonably accomplished, let me know. Whole other post on this).

What follows appears sort of mundane but is why we can't ever leave Waco. Dr. Martindale, his nurses and his staff are what is right about health care and while some of the simplest stuff is extremely complicated for Marty they never flinch, hesitate or do anything but act with kindness, sensitivity and professionalism.

First, we were able to get in on Wednesday, a minor miracle with some docs, not Great and Wise. Second, the man himself always spends an appropriate amount of time with Marty. He asks questions, reviews vitals, listens, hugs (Marty, not me), thinks and uses wonderful judgment in treating Marty. She has an enormous amount of faith in the man, thus the title Great and Wise.

Next comes Toni, the uber nurse. Toni has known Marty for a long time, even before she was sick and so they go back a long way. It's good to have personal history and connections. Toni can and does everything, including some delicate and all together icky procedures that are necessary but frankly more than any man (that would be me) should have to watch. Anyway, we, she got the urine, ran the test and yes indeedy, little Renae was right on, we have a deluxe UTI. Toni says, "The test strip lit up light a Christmas tree".

Next is how do we treat. The good doctor comes in and says antibiotic. He sticks his head back in and says, thanks to consultation with Uber Nurse, let's give her a shot of antibiotics too, and let's get blood, etc., etc.. They work as a team, they talk to each other, they know the patient, what can I say, we have been blessed with the Providence Family Medical team from Great and Wise to Toni, Wendy, Sarah, Candace, Cara, to Angie, Maria, Staci, Annette, and Dr. Lippe ... what a team. Like I said, Waco will be home, and its home because of these kinds of people.

Marty is a complicated patient. Almost anything with or for her takes longer and requires more time, more hands and more expertise. Marty gets better care every day than the vast, vast majority of people in her condition because we have found people who will take the extra time, devote loving hands, and use their God given talents to help her. We are lucky, but we've always been lucky with this kind

Marty, Nikkie and I had a very pleasant lunch the other day with a long time friend we should call Sue, because that's her name, Sue.


Sue and Pete are great friends of ours. They moved to Waco about the same time we did, joined the same church and have children roughly the same age as ours. They are the family we would ski with; they are the family we accidently ran into in Washington D.C. one spring break. Sue is our designated third party, she is the local name I put down in case of emergency because I suspect Sue could find you anywhere or get almost anything done. I've seen her do it. All those years as a Navy wife paid off for her.

Sue is the mother of three and is the Mother who, when my 1st grade daughter forgot she needed to wear a dress to school for a concert and Erin could not get hold of either of her birth parents, Erin shanghaied Sue to take her home and let her change. Sue is a fellow progressive in the ocean of conservatism that is Waco. Sue and Marty battled adolescence together. Sue is experienced at most everything, or at least all things we can talk about in polite circles. Sue is one of the world’s great conversationalists, always with a thought or opinion.

Lunch was good and somehow we got to talking about happiness and satisfaction in life. Somehow we got to a point where I said, borrowing from a movie quote; we all will always be both children to our parents and parents to our children, always. Marty always liked to call our kids "faux adults". I suspect my parents still think that about us.

When you grow up, whatever grown up is, you might think your parent's influence would begin to wane. I don't think so. Maybe it's Fathers and sons but I will always be trying to earn and maintain my Father's respect, approval and admiration. It's that important to me. Dad never acted like he was ever disappointed in anything I did, but to this day I still measure my decisions with "what would Dad think".

My father-in-law once told Marty and I that as long as children care what their parents think -- you got it made. Me, I always cared what my parents thought of me, still do. I didn't avoid bad situations simply out of moral direction, but I never, ever wanted to disappoint the parental units.

Sue made the point that when you loose your parents part of the "always a child" goes away. She lost her Mother and Father years ago. I don't know, both of my parents are still alive and I don't know if I will ever feel completely grown up. You would think a GrandPa would feel like an adult, I don't...

I suspect Sue is right to a great deal. But, I have to say, Marty's Father passed away about five years ago and I firmly believe he still has a profound influence on Marty. To some degree, I think she has never given up on her quest for recovery out of respect for her Dad. As I've said before, she hears her Father's words in our wind chimes. I once asked what he was saying through the chimes and she said, "Keep trying, I'm proud of you." Alive or not Arty is still with her and she still wants him to be proud of her.

It's a funny thing seeing your children get older and more mature. It's extremely gratifying to see them work at jobs, start their families and move on through life. I would tell both of them that they have the respect and love of their parents. I would say to both of them they meet our approval. I would say to both of them, just as I'm sure my parents would say to me, I know you will make right decisions about most things, most of the time, and when you don't we will still approve of you and be proud of who you are. I say that as a parent and a child.

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving celebration in Mansfield with my family this year. The whole fam was there and everyone was on their best behavior for Noah Robert's maiden holiday experience. As part of our Thanksgiving tradition my Father either offers a prayer or asks someone to offer blessings prior to the feast. This year he asked me, and of course I was more than happy to pray, even though I have a perfectly good niece who is a student at Austin seminary. I prayed and Noah, already a severe theological critic, gave his own personal blessing.

Since it was a kind of spur of the moment I pulled out my standard kind of prayer. I prayed the basic bless this, bless that, thank this, thank that, nourishment of our body kind of thing, a pretty standard meal prayer. But, like a lot of moments, given more time to reflect and having a certain amount of piety and sanctimony in my soul I would like to offer this revised prayer:

In the fair city of Waco there has been a lot of going back and forth about the whole "Tea Party" thing.  There was a fairly recent column in that bastion of liberalism, the Waco Herald Tribune, essentially calling out the "Tea Party" over perceived racism.  Of course there are many replies in the letters to the editor.  What follows is my perception --

I would caution those of you with a more conservative persuasion or who really liked President Bush -- you might find this a bit irritating.  This particular post is but a small diversion for me....just chalk it up to more liberal rant.

The “Tea Party” party espouses many things that make a great deal of sense. They talk about fiscal responsibility, freedom, free enterprise and constitutional rights. They worry about deficit spending and government over reach. They are active, loud and proud of their positions. I appreciate their fervor, if not their ideas


I don’t think I know any of these people, but I don’t think they are full of hate. I don’t think all of their positions are based on President Obama’s race. But, (you had to know but was coming) its’ hard to avoid the inevitable perception that if not race, certainly political affiliation has something to do with their fervor. I do have some questions that might help me with this perception.

I agree with them on deficit spending, it’s been an issue for me for 9 years. Where was the “Tea Party” when President Bush was running up record deficits and letting Wall Street plunder this country? Where were you guys when we had a President commit us to two wars costing thousands of lives and billions of dollars, in debt? Did I just miss the protests and the signs or did you just become aware that President Bush accumulated more debt than all other presidents combined?

Why weren’t you protesting and carrying your flags when the previous administration decided to start eavesdropping on ordinary citizens? You clearly care about protecting freedom, but you guys were apparently on vacation during all of the debate on the Patriot Act and warrantless wiretaps.

Why do you now support a health care system that has nothing to do with free markets and everything to do with letting large corporations decide who gets health care? You say you want to support free enterprise but when large corporations can pick and choose who gets what medicine and what care, you support oligarchy, not democracy.

Why do you, if not embrace, allow groups to co-opt your message with racist signs and rhetoric? Why don’t you condemn this and make sure they are not part of your message? Why would you condemn and rally around keeping a sitting President of the US from addressing school children? Why would you embrace a lunacy that says a sitting President was born in Kenya? Why would you constantly say that a sitting President has a different faith than what he says?

I know you guys are probably very sincere, caring people. People who disagree with you are also caring sincere people. I know you are extremely passionate and patriotic people.  There are people who see things differently than you that are just as passionate and patriotic as you.

These are just some of the reasons some view the Tea Party protests as late, short sighted and disingenuous; at the worst they seem angry, hateful and racist. I just want to know if it’s not about the current President’s race, or if it’s not about party affiliation, where were you nine years ago?

Yesterday, Sunday, was a beautiful fall day in Waco Texas. The sun finally came out, the winds were quite and it was about 60 degrees. Hands down, my favorite time of year.  Perfect weather and football are hard to beat.

I took Marty outside during the halftime of the Cowboys-Redskins game to take in some of the Autumn while I swept and gathered the leaves on the back patio and porch. We completely made over our back yard a couple of years ago, thanks to Marty's nephew et.al., and Marty really likes being out back when the weather permits (that sounds really old). We now have an abundance of flowers, flowering shrubs, windchimes and wind spinners in our small back yard. It really is something of an oasis.

I enjoyed the brief respite from the game but when halftime was about over I was ready to go back in and suffer with my 'Boys. Bad offense, bad offense, bad offense, scored a touchdown, yea.... I digress. I told Marty I was ready to go in and watch the game. I asked her if she was ready to go in and she said no. I then asked her how she felt about staying outside alone while I watched the game. I told her I would listen if she needed anything and would come and check on her. She said she would be great being alone and to go and watch the game. I really thought she would relent and come inside, I don't know why I would ever think Marty would relent about anything.

Marty sat out back with her Diet Coke just looking at the dog, the flowers, the sky, everything I guess. I went back and forth throughout the 3rd quarter checking on her and asking her if she was ready to come in. "Nope" she said, everytime.

I asked her what she was doing. "Watching."


"Watching what?" I said. "Pretty much everything", she said.


I kept thinking sooner or later she would be ready to come in the house with me. "No" was the consistent response to "are you ready to come in". So, I toddled myself back and froth between Marty and the game and the living room and the patio.


Finally, just out of frustration with the Cowboys I went outside and sat with Marty and we watched things together. We saw the scattered birds and butterflies. We saw Maggie laying in the sun. We saw the trails of a jet across a piercing blue sky. We saw life, that's what Marty was watching. She was enjoying watching life, and I think, being alone, or as alone as I can let her be.


As the game crept deep into the fourth quarter I finally said we have to go back inside and see this game through. I told her I needed her to help me with the Cowboys. She finally relented when I acted pitiful enough.

We sat in the living room as the Cowboys finally came alive and scored the winning touchdown. Marty looked at me as I clapped and she said, "Brought you luck didn't I?" I just nodded and thought, you will never know how lucky you make be feel.