When I was a kid I tried hard, at almost everything. I, like most of us, was raised to do our best, to succeed because we worked hard and devoted ourselves to our task. But I have to say, I always wondered at the time was I doing enough.
I carried that question and that focus through young adulthood. I was ambitious, I wanted to do great things with my job and personally. I wanted lots of friends, an important job and I wanted to be wildly successful in anything I did. I pursued the jobs I wanted relentlessly and I worked long hard hours to prove myself.
Still, I worried, was I trying hard enough, was I doing enough. I was not alone, a lot of people I knew had the same worries.
A lot of people I know still battle that same self-doubt.
The truth is I worked hard, was effective, and successful at most of my work endeavors. I wasn’t really very good at the whole work life balance. Too much of the time I found myself working too hard and too much so I could be sure I was doing enough to earn those badges of success.
Fast forward to a wife who had a couple of strokes and needed constant help and caregiving. It was constant, it was an always and forever journey filled with times of doubt and fear.
Of course I was obsessed, I was hyper vigilant and I constantly second guessed all the things, all the stuff, all the decisions, and then I worried whether I was doing enough, was I attentive enough, was I smart enough, was I enough.
Too many times I talked myself into thinking I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t good enough, I was lazy and not worthy of providing care for anyone much less this very fragile woman whom I loved.
Today, I see more clearly, I understand better. Today I know the answer to the question, did I do enough?
Yep. Did plenty. Hindsight gives great insight. Now I know. Now I say to you, be easy on yourself. You are doing the impossible.
The day Marty passed as I was walking into the hospital my mind was a jumble of different things but I knew, I, my children, my friends had all done enough. We saw Marty through 14 years of a precarious life, we saw her home and she left knowing she was loved by many.
All that doubt I had, it’s gone.
Today, looking back, I did enough and all the angst I had over the years, worrying was I doing enough, was I good enough, was I smart enough. Wasted energy. I did enough. I did it good enough. I worked hard enough. I cared enough. I loved enough. I lived enough.
None of that means it’s time to quit doing things. None of this means you don’t strive, that you don’t put your energy into important things. What it means is when I worry about doing enough I should see I have a long history of doing enough.
Guess what. It’s the same as you. You are doing the best you can, you are caring for your person the best and most anyone can. You can doubt it but someday you will see, you will look back and realize just what you accomplished and how much love you gave.
You are doing enough. Now breathe.
