Monday, July 27, 2009

His Name is Really Melvin

Okay, I did it. I admit it. I am ashamed and I know all of my liberal friends and the people of the country will be, well, let's just say, a bit disappointed. I'm not sorry I did it. I did it because I thought it was best, I thought it was best for everyone from the east to the west and from the north to the south. I really thought it would help save this country for those of us who really love it. To hell with the rest of you, and you know who you are.

I forged the President's birth certificates. Yes, I know, I'm sorry. It was me. It was only to help him get elected. It's not like he's not American, he is. It's just that he was really born in Enid, Oklahoma and how can you get elected to anything if you're born in Enid, sorry for those Enidians. And no, his name is really not Barack Hussein Obama, it's really Melvin. No last name, just Melvin. Again, can you see my point, would you vote for Melvin from Enid Oklahoma?

It started very innocently more than 40 years ago. I was just 15 but I knew there was going to come a time when we would desperately need someone to nationalize our health care, impose socialist economics and buy Chrysler. You could see even then that Chrysler and it's union minions would have to be bailed out, they were just paying too much of a living wage and providing health care, it was just too much.

So yes, I did it and I would do it again. I meticulously forged the certificate of live birth to show that Melvin was Barack Hussein Obama born in Hawaii. It just sounded so much more exotic, and that name, it was just too catchy even back then. The birth certificate was easy, getting the Hawaiian newspapers to forge the birth announcements and change all of the archives was harder; but when I told them about the spread offense for the University of Hawaii they thought it was worth it.

You all may laugh and think why go to all of this trouble. Well, part of my evil plan was to instigate the whole birth er movement. What better way to completely discredit all of the honest intelligent thinkers of our time. I knew if we just gave these patriots a sniff, just enough to get their intellectual curiosity peaked, they would take the bait and decide this guy was from Kenya, he wasn't American, he was African. And boy were they wrong, and now the world will know it. And my real plan of discrediting all of these world class thinkers and conspiracy wishers came true. They all sound nuts.

Oh -- and while I'm confessing, I also have to admit that I'm the guy behind the impending paper plate scandal. Sean Hannity just called and he's on to me. He's going to expose me as the guy who developed the technique behind packaging paper plates so that you can never get just one, you always are using two or more plates. To hell, to hell, I say with the environment and the consumer, I'm making more money when you waste those plates, ha ha ha (do your best evil laugh here).

For those of you disappointed in my subterfuge, I'm sorry, it just needed to be done. It was time for a change and Melvin, oh sorry, I mean President Obama, was the guy. So tell me, would you have voted for him if you knew the truth??

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