She did it again. She did it, as usual in her new, understated manner, quietly, with very few words. She looks, she speaks, and she touches my heart. She makes me feel, and sometimes feeling so strongly is scary. Sometimes the feelings are so intense and sudden it makes me feel less than a man. Then, she laughs at me when I say she touched my heart.
I had errands to run, peppers to buy, letters to mail and bills to deliver. I wanted Geraniums, I wanted potting soil, I wanted to plant some color. Marty was with me as I ran down the list of things I needed to do. We had been playing. We had been at the computer playing Strike a Match, a computer game Marty always enjoyed playing with me. She says she likes playing and still contributes when she sees an answer before I do.
I turned to Marty and told her I needed to go run the errands and if she wanted, she could go back to her room with Renae her caregiver and lay down for her afternoon rest.
She said, "Why?"
I said,”So you can rest".
"I'm not tired", she says.
Then she touches me with the simplest words, "I want to go with you."
Her simple statement jolted me with memories from before Marty had her strokes; a previous normalcy gone more than five years. It reminded me of very simple times when we would just go to the car and take care of mundane normal business. Just that simple statement reminded me that even today, she wants to be with me, to go with me, to do with me, emphasis on the "with me". What can I say it touched my heart, I was reminded once again of the simple things that make us married.
I looked at Marty and said, "You touched my heart, I'm touched that you would want to go with me."
She looked up, paused, and then laughed, sounding kind of like Beavis of Beavis and Butthead. She laughed not to denigrate or minimize my moment but it's how she expresses emotions now.
Her laughter brought my heart back to normal, the tender moment there but past. What better way to move through some of the pain of remembering and some of those loving, simple moments. I just wish I could get over feeling like such a wimp.