Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Checking, Sniffing and Listening

Me, I'm a pulse taker, a temperature checker, a wind sniffer, an ear to the ground listener; I'm always checking my surroundings, people, for clues, clues about health, temperament, attitude, et.al..   I'm always listening, watching, and asking in an attempt to know more, to understand better, to figure what is happening around me.  It drove Marty nuts before her strokes, now it drives Marty nuts when I try and figure out how she is doing.

I'm not really self-aware enough to know why I do what I do, I'm just aware I do it.  This awareness is nothing amazing, you would have to be deaf and blind to not be aware of my obsessions.  It is really very apparent....

Me obsessing, "Are you okay?",  "How do you feel?",  "What are you doing?", "Why are you doing that?", "Are you still mad?"  (I threw this last one in as a reminder of the more historical pulse taking).

Marty, today and yesterday,  "Fine", "Fine", "Nothing", "I don't know", "Damn right".

I understand how having someone watch over you, every minute of every day, could be a tad bit irritating; Marty has always been very protective of her space and privacy.  Of course privacy and private space are long gone.  And I'm a big contributor to that,  that's exactly what Marty has to tolerate from me.   She normally if fairly reasonable but every so often I can see in her expression she is saying, "leave me the hell alone", "quit staring at me", "SHUT UP."  

I know I'm hyper-vigilant, I suspect we can call it what it is, I'm obsessed.  But, because of this hyper vigilance I'm aware of what is out of the ordinary for Marty; because I have a D.M. (Doctor of Marty), we  often catch minor illnesses, small infections, before they become bigger.  The Great and Wise calls it my gut feel, I call it my obsession and awareness of our normal. 

Example, Marty has battled some sort of infection for the better part of a month recently.  We know this because we dutifully availed ourselves of the services of the Great and Wise and took blood tests.  We know this because Marty was just a little off center in her energy level, in her cognition, in her awareness.  We know this because I'm  bit hyper vigilant for variances in Marty behavior and I see it, I know it; it may not always be an illness, but I know it's different and we don't really like different.

We have gone through a month's worth of three different antibiotics, one requiring daily injections.  Marty once told my Mom that my shot giving skills were the reason she can't walk, gallows humor while I stick needles in her butt.  A couple of weeks ago we went back to the doctor, had blood test results that were okay but not exactly what I was hoping for.  Great and Wise said he thought things were fine and encouraged me to chill (my words not his).  I deferred to his MD, not my DM, and durn if he wasn't correct, again.  Marty's last blood tests, her recent demeanor, her current energy level indicate she is doing well.  We will do our routine checks again this week.

For today, quoting my eloquent bride we are "fine, fine, nothing, don't know, and damn right." Marty has not had any antibiotics for almost three weeks which for her is good.   It's been a fairly comfortable week since her last blood test giving her a clean bill of health.  I'll take that all of the time but it doesn't mean I'm not watching, listening and sniffing for the better part of most days.  Sorry Marty, it's the price we all have to pay to earn my D.M..

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