Respite

Last week I found myself in Utah with my son, his wife and my four year old grandson.  We went skiing with all of the glitterati at the Sundance Film Festival (I saw no on I recognized).  It was my grandson’s maiden ski voyage and it was a hoot watching him learn to snow plow and watching his parents cope with a four year old and all of his ski stuff.

I wish Marty could have been there.  She would have loved it.  Skiing was the only athletic pursuit she enjoyed.   I think mostly she loved it because there was very little perspiration and she could stop and smoke and watch the dare devils sail by.

Marty taught me how to ski 38 years ago this month, on our honeymoon to Breckenridge Colorado.  I can still ski as a result of those lessons and I’m still pretty good, I’m just not good for very long.  But, as I told my daughter-in-law, “If I could lose 40 pounds I would be magnificent”, I don’t see magnificent in my near skiing future.

A trip like this requires planning and preparation to leave Marty with our caregivers under the watchful eye of my parents and daughter Erin.  I am a lucky guy to have parents who are able and willing to come care for their daughter-in – law.  Marty and I are proud to have a daughter who will give up her time to do the same.  It’s not a small contribution to my sanity.

I end up taking these breaks a couple of times a year and I think they are beneficial to me and to Marty.  I get out and about and Marty gets out from under my micro managing.  

To make it happen I arrange for my wonderful family to come and keep Marty company.  She has not been without a family member with her for more than 24 hours in eight years.  She likes that and hates it at the same time.  

I also make sure all of my other wives (caregivers) are cool with me being gone for a few days, get Marty’s medicines lined out, cook a couple of meal, leave some cash, leave instructions and talk my narcissistic self into believing Marty can be okay without me.  

The trip went well and Marty thrived in my absence.  We skied enough to be exhausted, the four year old learned how to turn and sort of control his speed and no one broke, sprained or strained anything important.

Marty did great without me, of course.  One of her favorite thing is for friends and family to come and just talk to her, just talk.  You don’t ask questions, you don’t probe for her thoughts, you just talk.  You tell her about you, your life, your gossip, whatever, it doesn’t matter, you just talk and Marty listens, occasionally adding her own comments, but mostly she listens and enjoys the different voice, the different sound, the different smells, the different everything.  Being chronically ill is a boring drag and anything that is different, except the hospital, is a good thing.

In the end, Marty got some time away from Marty’s Husband, which is okay for a lot of different reasons.  She got some quality time with daughter Erin, granddaughter Lily Jewel and she got to listen to my mother tell her stories and that may be the best thing that happened when I left because when  Bettye Lou comes Betty Lou comes loaded with lots and lots of stories.…..and Marty loves that.  

Me, I got to stand at the top of the world and look down.  I got to stand there on a cold day under crystal clear blue skies and watch my son and his wife glide through perfect white snow down a run called Blue Bell.  I got to ski down Success and experience graceful as I thought about Marty and how she had been my teacher 38 years ago.  I got to ski down the bunny slope with my 4 year old grandson and watch his face light up the first time he figured out how to make a good turn.  I got to remember watching my own son, his father, do the same.  

We are connected to our past, our past informs our present..  Epiphanic moments.

When Plans Come Together

For the most part, the plans of last week moved from theory to reality. We had to make a couple of minor adjustments, buts what life without some minor adjustments? In our life, minor adjustments are easy and frankly expected.

We went to the lake with our caregivers in tow and met daughter Erin and parents Larry and Bettye Lou at our house. On Friday Daddy Larry and I had the pleasure of catching a number of fish while in the company of an illustrious Richland Chambers guide, Cory Vinson, with nofishnocharge.com`. We caught a mess of sand bass, some big hybrid bass and a couple of catfish just to top off the morning. It was a fine morning followed by a big rain in the afternoon. This was a classically good Texas day.

Brother John's schedule and daughter Erin's migraine were the only hitches in this particular plan; they missed a regular fishapoolza; so sorry to you both. Marty was in good hands at our house in the company of Renae and my Mom, so Dad and I enjoyed a wonderful morning on the lake slaying dangerous fish.

The next plan was for pictures with our family and our extended family of caregivers. Our grandson, Noah, showed up right on time. He came in dragging along his parents and Lyle, Erin's boy. We rested Friday evening so we would all look chipper for the photography session. I'm not sure I could get enough sleep to bring beauty but I tried and to quote my mother, "you just aren't ever going to look better than you do right now." Once again Mama speaks truth.

I've been working with Marty on her picture smile. She actually kind of gets into it after a while and starts showing her pearly whites with a smile that's somewhere between laughter and a grimace. It's when her eyes smile, when her eye brows lift, when the corners of her mouth turn up just a bit at the corners that you really get to see Marty, that you get to see the Marty I know. I hope some of the pictures found her.

Lyle's sister and brother-in-law found the lake and, while very hot and sweaty for some of us, the picture taking was quick and painless. Unfortunately, we were sans Nikkie, who was felled by a migraine (a veritable migraine epidemic this weekend), but Renae and Erica were there and Renae almost smiled for one of the pictures. Marty's best smiles came when we started talking about breaking wind; she loves fart humor, but who doesn't?

Marty, as expected was a rock. She was a tired rock, but a solid, cooperating, agreeable rock. As it turns out she was, is a bit sick. Our last sputum sample indicated a pretty substantial upper respiratory strep infection. We knew she had an elevated white count (infection) and she had already started what we hope is the appropriate antibiotic before we got the strep diagnosis. So my rock, in addition to being a sold, cooperating, agreeable rock was a sick rock.

All in all our plans moved smoothly from the theory stage, to hypothesis, to reality. We got to do some things we enjoyed with people we enjoy, very cool. We had to adjust, we had to handle a couple of minor catastrophes, and Marty, as she so often does, pushed through her fog, pushed through her illness to enjoy some simple acts of living. If you watch her, if you understand what she does in spite of, you will learn; through her living, she really does have this amazing effect on you. At least she does on me.

Planning to Plan Plans

We’ve made some plans. We are planning on meeting our kids and all three of our caregivers at our lake house for a photography session. We have a new Lyle, a new Noah and a new Erica since our last family photo and it’s time to update and the lake seems a great locale for the pics. As it happens, Lyle’s sister is a pretty accomplished photographer so, bingo, picture time.


We have other plans for June. My niece, Kate, the pending Presbyterian preacher, is marrying Lee, the Liverpoolian, we plan on going to the wedding and some of the other assorted affairs. It should be quite the soiree with me sweating (it’s June, it’s hot and I sweat) and Marty humming (she’s a hummer).

We actually have even more plans. At the end of June we are planning one of our quixotic voyages to Dalhart to see Marty’s mother. This time we hope to have our new Lyle and our new Noah, along with their associated family members, fly out to meet us. Marty keeps saying the kids can all fly to Amarillo and we can pick them up there. I keep saying, nay nay, if we get all of those people they will want to stop for bathroom breaks and junk like that, no thanks, we can make better time on our own and that’s what epic trips are about, making good time.

Before Marty got sick she was great about making plans and was constantly looking to make some. Not me. For me, making plans equaled making a commitment and I wasn’t always very good with commitments, especially if it meant taking time away from work. I thought way too much of my work self and was much too involved with keeping my daily routine uncluttered. Marty was okay with making wild plans, a lot of plans and if we could do them, great, if not, she would make more plans.

Circle back to today and I’m the one who must make the plans. If we are going to do anything I’m the guy, I’m frankly the only plan guy. Karma does have its way with us. I’m not only the originator but the facilitator and the logistician.

I do all of our planning with the clear understanding of our current limitations. We live in a day-to-day world and plans are just that, plans. They are all theory until we do them; they are things we want to do, things we would like to do, they are often just hopes.

Marty’s daily health, Marty’s medical needs, Marty’s doctor appointments, Marty’s reasonable limitations are the deciding factors in what plans become reality. If she gets sick, we change plans, it just has to be that way. We are fortunate that all of our family understands our daily reality, that’s how we can miss a Thanksgiving at the last minute or how we can spend a son’s birthday at the hospital or how my Father can find a last minute substitute for our Masters Golf tournament trip. I hate all of the last minute changes, especially that Masters thing, but a broken arm seems to take priority.

It’s not in my nature to be flexible, I like to know what’s going to happen, I like to feel in control, and I prefer to know if and when we will be able to do something. This whole living day-to-day and taking things as they come is a struggle for my brain, it often just doesn’t compute very well. It seems so easy, living day-to-day rolls so trippingly off the tongue, but for some of us it ain’t such an easy task. I know I’m happy and more satisfied with life when we can just take plans as they come and deal with the day as it gets there.

In the grand scheme of things, we really are thrilled to still be able to plan and do things together, even if it’s always kind of up in the air. It’s funny how things work out, that’s exactly how Marty always wanted to live.