Don't Wait.....Party Today

Too often we wait.  We wait too long, it’s too late to say it, it’s too late to make sure it’s known. 

Funerals are not the best time to tell someone you love them that you appreciate and admire them.  Its okay to honor people at their funeral, but the message is too late to matter to the dead.

It’s one of the lessons I have learned from our journey.  You simply don’t know what is around the next sweeping turn, you don’t know what tomorrow has in store, you just don’t know …. so dance now, spend a little money, make a little effort, take a little time to make sure people you love, know you love them.  

Celebrate today, tell people how you feel, look them in the eye when it’s quiet and the distractions at a minimum and make people understand that you love them, right now, because they can’t hear you at their funeral.

We did a little of that for Marty last Saturday.  We had the big bash, the soiree, the partaaayyy.  Marty turned 60, no easy feat given Marty’s journey.  We have twisted and turned for the last nine years with no idea what we would face next.  We, I, needed for Marty to know how much she means to me, to us, and we did, we threw her a wonderful party.

There were friends from college, friends from high school, friends from around town, friends from out of town and family, of course there was family.  And cake, always the cake, Italian Cream cake from BestYett Catering, it was the best yet.  

Marty sat at her table as person after person came to her and talked and touched and hugged.  They sat in front of her or to her side and talked to her about old times and new times and updated her on their lives, their children’s lives and their grandchildren.  Marty listened and nodded and smiled and shook hands and received hugs and by the end of the day, in spite of her self-consciousness she knew she was loved, she knew she was admired, she knew she was cherished. 

When we got home that evening Marty was tired, reasonably tired.  We got her ready for bed and I climbed in bed beside her and wished her happy birthday one last time.  I asked her if she had a good time at her party and I get an expected exhausted response, “No….too many people.”  She was tired.

My parents went to China several years ago on a business trip where they stayed for over a month.    When they returned I called my mother and asked her how she liked it.  She said, “Ask me in about a month, I’ll know better then.”  Made sense then, makes sense now, time and quiet offer perspective.

I waited until the next day to talk to Marty about the party again.  The kids, their spouses and the grands all left for home that afternoon and suddenly the house because very quiet.  I went and sat with Marty in her room and looked over and asked her again, “How did you like your party?”  She didn’t hesitate, “Loved it.”  I asked what she liked about it, “The people, I liked having all of the people talking to me.”

It was a complete turnaround, a little time and quiet helped Marty gain a perspective and begin to feel how special a time the party was.  It was always about taking time to celebrate a remarkable woman and the miracle that is her life.  I wanted her to know, today, how so many felt about her.

One of the last people to leave that day was one of our best friends.  I’ve known this guy for 50 years and Marty met him early in our lives together.  We didn’t always keep up with each other but have always been best friends.

We stood there together for just a minute and as he started to leave for his home in Austin he looked at me, hugged me and said, “I love you man.”  

Don’t wait, it’s good to say it today, it’s good to hear it today too. 

The Inevitable Conflict of Want and Can

More often than not Marty was at the center, she was in the middle directing people, places and things.  She was loud, brash, funny, incredibly smart and did I say loud?  I shussed her once at some hoity toity museum in London and man did I pay for that little faux pas, big duh on my part. 

Marty thrived on being at the center, she liked being involved, being in the middle of the discussion or project, it was just her intellectual and instinctive nature.  She’s the one who would be in the kitchen giving advice on the stew or in the garage trying to miter cut crown molding, or at least telling you a better way to do it.

In her new life Marty really doesn’t want to be noticed.  She is very self-conscious about her condition, her appearance and her capabilities.  When she is honest with me she tells me she is afraid people are judging her, making value judgments about who she is and what has happened to her.  She wants to be as far away from the center of attention as possible.

Even with a family who knew who she was and understands who she is today; she is not entirely comfortable.  Everyone dotes on her, everyone loves her, everyone is truly amazed at her spirit, but she is still incredibly self conscious.  More often than not when faced with the chaos of a crowd she gets quieter, more internal and withdraws and would just as soon be having a one-on-one conversation with my mother away from the crowd.  

I can understand it.  The unfocused stimulus around her just floods her senses.  I know her instincts tell her to be right in the middle of things but her brain just won’t let her, it won’t fire fast enough with enough information and it won’t allow her to get up and walk and be right in the center of the action, so she gets self conscious.  Her instinct to be involved is short circuited by the limited capacity of her fractured brain; and her natural inclination to be the eye of the family hurricane can’t really be sated. It must be incredibly frustrating.   It’s a classic clash of want and can.

The single biggest loss for Marty has been her ability to think and to think quickly and to absorb information from multiple fronts.  She is aware enough of her life and her limitations to know what is working and what isn’t working.  She hates the struggle to say what she really wants to say and do what she really wants to do.

She listens, she watches, but she doesn’t really participate as she once did and my whole family misses that.  I worry I put her in situations that does nothing more than make her feel worse, that just intensifies her sense of loss.   It makes me wonder if I am doing her a service by putting her in the middle of the family and friend chaos at birthdays, celebrations and holidays.

After our recent trip to Dallas to fete our son on his birthday I asked her if she liked going up and doing that and she said, not really.  I told her I was sorry that I knew it was hard for her to go.  She said, as she often does, so very simply, “You didn’t make me go, I wanted to go.”  

It is what she wants to do, she wants to be a part and parcel of all of this, she wants to celebrate her family and her friends, she will always choose to go and do, she just might not like it because it is so hard for her to just “be” in those situations.

Years ago my Mom and Dad went to China and stayed for about a month.  Right after they got back I asked my mother if she enjoyed the trip and she said, “I will in about a month.”  In other words, you do things that are out of you comfort zone, you participate in life that at the time may seem difficult but in the end are wonderful experiences.

That’s how it is with Marty, she wants to go, she often doesn’t like the doing, but she really likes the fact that she did.  She is too often out of her comfort zone, her very life today is out of her comfort zone, but in the end, as we look back, being out our son’s birthday celebration is not only the right thing to do but an experience that builds both of our lives.