Done a Solid

I read a speech some time ago, a commencement speech gone viral by author George Saunders.  In the speech he talks about one of his greatest regrets, not being kind enough (Speech Text).

That is an extremely poor and inadequate summary of what he said but his speech touched me.  In this day when we spend so much of our time and energy talking down, about and around others, when we spend our days avoiding, when we too often abandon the need for kindness, what he says rings true and I hope inspires.  

The need for simple kindness has never been greater.

And, it happens, probably every day, probably to you.  Maybe not in what we read, I just read several speeches from the CPAC convention, kindness never came to mind.  I just watched the morning political shows, kindness didn’t appear, we are currently being inundated with Republican ads for the primary in Texas and those guys, all guys by the way, left kindness, understanding and empathy at someone else’s doorway.

Yet, we find it every day.

I was at Walgreens, standing in line, somewhat patiently with my three bags of sugar free Werther's Originals.  The cashier on the right was dealing with a cart full of little things; the one on the left was dealing with a return, like I said, somewhat patiently.  Hey, I wasn’t glaring or tapping my foot.

An employee walked past the line and said they could help at the photo counter.  There were two people behind me and one in front, I turned about the same time the last person in line, a petite, dark haired, middle-aged woman, did.  She looked at me and said, “You go ahead, you were next in line.”

I thanked her for her kindness, it made my day better.

That same day I received a call from one of the internet vendors we use for Marty’s “products”.  We are a good customer and have been using the same company for several years.  Our overall experience with Cheap Chux has been excellent.  They are reasonably priced and fast and take care of their customers. 

As a prolific user of the internet to buy “products” I rarely if ever talk to any of these people on the phone.  It’s one of the advantages.

The lady on the phone told me one of the products we consistently use had a promotion that I hadn’t been using.  She’s right; I wasn’t using it because I didn’t want to send in receipts to get coupons.  She told me she realized I hadn’t been doing that and she took it upon herself to send in copies of our receipts and she had our coupons and she would apply them as I made future orders, all I needed to do was send her a note.

I thanked her for her kindness and it made my day better.

It happens.  We see it around us, people doing nice, polite, kind things that affect us.  When I am with Marty they hold doors, they let us on an elevator, they move their children aside, humanity can be kind and it always makes my day better.

I find myself identifying with Mr. Saunders; I have often regretted my haste, my self-importance, my blindness in not being kinder.  It’s not necessarily a new age affliction but our fast paced electronic driven lives hasn’t helped.

I want to work on that.  I want people to know, in spite of the vitriol and hatefulness we often see on the internet and in politics and in our daily lives, that there are people, good people who are out there doing others a solid.  I’m going to talk about it more.

Caregving Upheaval

It was our first Christmas with our first born, Matthew.  We were in Dalhart Texas some 600 miles from our fairly new home in Paris Texas.  Matt was only 3 months old and Marty took the call from our new nanny in Paris.  The news was bad, catastrophic, as any new working parent can understand; the sitter wasn’t going to be able to keep Matt anymore due to some health issues.  Christmas was turned on its head as we tried to figure out child care for our new born baby.

We are going through a similar upheaval with our current caregivers, only this time I’m the one dealing with it.  I suppose its a little payback for that Christmas years ago when Marty took the brunt of the responsibility.

We have four caregivers.  Two, Renea and Nykkie, who are sisters, have been with us over seven years.  They have been with us from the start of this odyssey.  That’s really pretty remarkably in the care giving business.  We have two more, one, Erica, has been with us over three years and the last, another Renee, has been around almost two years.  

When you have to trust the life of your loved one to other people, when you have other people essentially living in your house with you, continuity and consistency are a God send. We have been lucky.

Renea recently finished her PhD in psychology and not so remarkably is going out in the world to ply her new trade for much better compensation.  Marty and I are very happy sad about this.  Renea came to our house when we were in turmoil trying to find our way in our new life.  I needed someone I could trust, I needed someone who I knew would be there to help me, we found Renea and she brought a sense of calm to my life.

 Nykkie has been with us for two stints but is the one who has been working all day most days for the last five years.  She loves Marty, she loves our family, she is a constant in our lives and is like our 2^nd daughter.  Dr. Renea has inspired sister Nykkie to go back to school to get her RN.  She must now work nights only to go through a compressed and rigorous nursing program, more happy sad times for Marty and husband.  

It’s an upheaval.

I have always jealously guarded my personal space.  Its uncomfortable having someone in your home with you 24 hours a day, it makes it hard to run to the fridge in the middle of the night in your boxer briefs.  You have to learn when and how to do that, it takes time to acclimate yourself to the extra body.  Having someone there that you know, that sat in hospital rooms with you,  has held your wife’s hand as she went through difficult procedures, that has given you the confidence you are doing the right things is incalculably valuable.  

Changing all of this, changing the personalities, changing the guard is a big deal.

I don’t mean to intimate that it is the same as losing child care when you desperately need it.  I can cover with Marty, I don’t have to leave the house to work, I can do all of the things the caregivers do, I just can’t do it all of the time and have any ability to take care of the rest of life.  Caring for Marty is not a one person task…it just isn’t.  

Renea, Nykkie, Erica and Renee do more than just watch and bathe.  They are the buffer to my frustration with our life’s situation and keep me in check and they are the people who do the dirty work every day every hour work with Marty.  They spare me, they save Marty.

It’s a big deal when we have a defection.  We have kissed a lot of caregivers to find the four princesses we now have and I’m not sure I’m up to kissing that many new faces to find another keeper.

Fortunately, we have found a cousin to Erica, LaShonda, who just completed her first work week with us.  She came to work, she was cheerful, she was careful, she was on time and she didn’t scare Marty.  She appears to be a keeper.

All the same, it takes time, energy, effort and repetition for all of us to start to establish the kind of trust I(we) need for this to be truly successful.  It will take us days of being with La Shonda, it will take weeks of working with La Shonda and weeks of dealing with Nykkie’s new night schedule to get to a place of comfort and trust.  

Life moves on, people, people you love and cherish, come into your life move on and do different and better things.  We learned from Renea, we will continue to learn from Nykkie and Renee and Erica and now La Shonda.  

We will continue our life with this company of people, people who never would have been in our lives if not for Marty and her journey.  It’s funny how love for strangers can come to you.