Ever the Optimist

I think most people see me as an optimist.  I tend to see the good, I like to see the good, I really like to point out the good.

That can be a challenge in real life.  Bad happens.  Bad happens and rarely are there any real blessings attached.  Marty’s strokes were bad, Marty’s long-term illness was bad, Marty’s passing was bad.  No blessings, no optimism there.

I had to confine my optimism to one day, one thing at a time.

I was lucky that I had good friends, a good family, a good support network, excellent doctors, and the resources to help care for Marty.  It’s easy to be an optimist when you are supported in so many ways.  It didn’t make anything easier, it made it bearable, survivable. 

It’s best, if you can find your way to it, to do everything one day, one step at a time to eventually find your way to the end of the bad.  There were many times that didn’t seem possible because getting to the end of the trauma included the end of Marty.  I was never sure how that was going to work and how I would be the single survivor of our journey.

As we said goodbye to Marty for the last time I wasn’t sure what my next steps were going to be.  I knew not to make any big decisions for a while and my wonderful daughter-in-law said it was legal for me to be an ass for the next year as I grieved and got used to a new life.  I took her up on that.

It took me a few months and an epic trip around the southwest spreading Marty’s ashes to begin to find myself.  I sat on a rock in Canyon Lands National Park outside of Moab, Utah and found a peace I had not experienced in a long time, maybe ever, and decided then it was time to find my new way.

All of this is to say I found myself again.  I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up (still growing up BTW) and where I wanted to be while doing part of that.  I relished being with my family and friends and seeing new parts of the world, I started Vedic meditation which led me back to the God I talk to every day. 

I have met new people that have opened my eyes to new ideas and thoughts, I have seen the grace and beauty of God’s world through places, things and more importantly people, I have skied, zip-lined, done a Tarzan swing, fished, golfed and gone on road trips.  I have experienced the fullness of life and will continue to do so.

I was a bit surprised to have met a new female friend who brings me great joy and is a wonderful companion on many of my/our new escapades.  I wasn’t sure that would ever happen to me again but sure enough, the universe provided me with an old friend who makes me smile and is also a survivor of caring for a declining spouse. 

Marty is still with me every day.  Marty still makes me smile every day.  It was a hard journey to get where I am, but I like where I am and Marty would be proud of what we did together and the person I have become.

I’m still the optimist.