Fine

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay, it kind of comes and goes.  Just working the process.”

That’s kind of how the conversation goes.  People I love, people who care, check in, they want to know how the battle with sadness, grief and loneliness is going.

My kids check on me a lot.  My daughter dotes.  My parents call, my brother-in-law has been here a lot working and friends ask me over to swim.  People care.

Fishing Ninjas

I fill out forms and when they ask for marital status I don’t really know what to do so I sit there a little, look for better alternatives and if widower is not on I check married.  What you gonna do, I’m not ready to say, not married.

There have been too many kind thoughts, words, concerns given to me and mine that I can’t and won’t cheapen any of them by making a list. 

People have been great, and I have to tell you, I love being checked on, I love people asking "How are you?"  It sincere, people really want to know, people want to touch your sore spot and give comfort and I am grateful and it’s so close to Marty’s old mantra of “how do you feel about that”.

How am I.  Fine. 

Son-in-law Lyle asked sometime around the funeral when I responded with “fine” if I really was fine and I said no not really but it seems the best response.  I decided to develop a level of fine from 1 to 10.  Fine 1.0 is just a lie, if you are fine 1.0, trust me, you aren't fine..  Fine 5.0 is not bad and it's kind of where I live right not, it's fine.  Fine 10.0 is well,  just fine or as Marty would say, “fine and fuckin dandy”.

I think I’m fine 5.0 most of the time, sometimes I really do peak at fine 10.0 when I’m with my kids or friends, even sometimes alone.  The truth is it really does come and go.  There are never days I’m not reminded of the loss.  There are never days where I don’t feel a pretty significant tinge of sadness when I see something that reminds of my bride. 

It really is fine 1.0 sometimes, and that's just part of working the process.  I suspect it will always be sad from time to time when I think about the loss.  I suspect those times will become more and more infrequent, but my guess is they will always happen.

I’m not devastated, I’m not apoplectic, I’m not paralyzed.  If point of fact, I’m quiet the opposite.  I’m doing, I’m going, I’m taking care of business and I’m open for business with friends, neighbor sand family spending time with people I love and that is fine 10.0.

Sharon hanging with the Bros

I still can’t shake the feeling I need to be doing something else, that I need to get back to Waco from the lake because…..I don’t know, I don’t have to get back to Waco from the lake.  I still have this sort of nagging thing in the back of my head that I need to go back to Marty’s room and check it out, that I need to order some product or get some appointment done or renew a prescription.  It’s hard breaking a 14-year habit and I think the sub-conscious part of me is the part that struggles the most.

I have been surprised, at times, by the sudden feelings of sadness.  It’s really the simple things that do it, like my first trip to the grocery store after everything settled at the house.  I walked in my, or as Marty would say “my HEB” (she loved that store), HEB and a wave of sadness hit me.  I was struck by the fact that for the first time I wasn’t buying for Marty, a care giver and me.  I was buying for me and I wasn’t sure how to do that.

I didn’t bust out in tears; it was just a feeling that washed over me like rain.  I was struck with the reality; I was face-to-face with the permanence of Marty’s passing and the absolute change in my own life.  It was life smacking me in the kisser, so I bought grapes, too many grapes, I have no idea why.

I have some plans, I have some plans to make plans.  I have no plans for the distant future, and at this point in my journey, I’m not prepared to make any commitments beyond golf with Pete, an occasional fishing trip with good friends or a chance to see “Hello Dolly” at the theater with my children.  

That’s it, that’s what I’m doing.  I’m working the process, I’m doing okay, in fact I’m doing fine, I’m a steady fine 5.0 most of the time.  I’ll let you know how it’s going.

In the meantime, I treasure all of you when you reach out, all of you who take the time and the emotional energy to reach out to a damaged guy and ask the simple question,  all of you who ask and aren’t afraid of the answer

I appreciate the question, “How are you doing” every time you ask. 

I'm fine thank you.